If Not Now, Then When...?

  Aria, Dearest.

I wish to be serious for once, at least before I do something I can’t come back from, not that I am doing this out of necessity but because I think you deserve it. Yet, I hesitate to call anything from myself a gift for you… But, if not now, then when?

In the end, I wish I could see clearly what exactly went wrong. I don’t believe any of us did anything we should have come to regret. I guess pain knows no prejudice. I suppose no amount of lamenting will fix it, I need to process these things alone and within but these things are killing me when I don’t have anyone to process them with. Or maybe I only feel like they’re killing me, that the pain fixed within originates within. It’s confusing and I am afraid. I don’t want to become someone horrible, but what is horrible? It’s what I define as horrible, what I think is horrible, thats the only answer I have. I don’t wish to live my life burdened by other peoples opinions so I hesitate to say that I am afraid that you will hate me, but I am afraid you will hate me. The concept of the ultimate payment, the dues you become deserving of, there is no true way to predict them, it’s scary, I don’t want to fail but that fear should be unfounded, I shouldn’t care, but I do. It should be that my karma, my payment is known to me, and unknowable to me, that I am aware of it, that it is coming, but not what it is in specific, failure or success. I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses but aren’t we afraid of the unknown? So how do I find the strength to overcome that fear? I feel like I am hollow in a way, my words rarely match my action, my goals are too far for my capabilities, but I guess it’s all in my head at the end of the day. But that’s not satisfactory, it’s not, I can’t lie about that, but I also see that I, and we all, do not have any answer, so where is satisfaction? I suppose it’s where we decide it to be, and I guess I haven’t found a place to decide to put it.

My mind feels like poison, I think thoughts that I am aware are bad, but I cannot stop them sometimes, I don’t wish to come off as provocative or some kind of edgy, I like to believe I don’t at least, but I have no other way to explain it, it’s thoughts that are poison to be sure, but my mind wanders to them and it causes me shame. And shame, I don’t want you to be ashamed of me, but I am ashamed of myself. I do things I shouldn’t, I lie when I don’t mean to, I say things that I shouldn’t, and I feel like a shell trying desperately to gather something to put inside. My impulses are not in control, carnal desires I cannot understand, but I do, yet I don’t. Money and satisfaction, I said it before, I cannot be satisfied right now, I wish I was, I am not, and I wish yet still. It’s stupid surely, I am caught in a paradox that I can only fix, but I don’t know how to, I am going in circles, I am aware, but I can only admit that I am helpless, but is that just it? No one is responsible for someone, I need to talk to someone though, I just don’t know if it’s fair to you, that I can drop this on you. It’s not fair for anyone. But it’s not fair to me either, I need a professional, but I don’t know how to ask for one, you aren’t one, I am not one, the people around me are not ones either. This is confusing, my head hurts, my blood is cold, my eyes unfocused, it’s funny because I hide behind poetry and theatrics and I am doing that now, and I mean to do it, it’s protection.

That’s really all it is. Protection, I cannot say this myself so Solomon says it for me. Solomon, and all the others are better people than I am, they are sure of themselves what they want, how they act, who they can be. But that’s because I wrote them that way. They don’t fear meaninglessness because I created them with some meaning, and they cannot fear at all because they aren’t half as complex as you and I are. Which is why even throwaways never fear their place in my tales. And in my tales, where I wish I could live, I know I cannot, and I am ashamed to want to escape because I am aware that it is wrong in the first place. And hypocritical of me, I say all this and I know I cannot break free from my own impulses at all, it’s useless to write this but I am doing it anyway, maybe because deep down I want to be free, but the ambivalence, the conflict rages on yet. This enemy is not like the wicked witch, the evil empire, the tyrant king, the trickster, or the corruption. It is… never ending, the battle rages on evermore, even after I take measures to squash it, but then again maybe I’d not tried hard enough. It’s very self-pitying to read this, annoyingly so I’d guess, but I just want to vent, without judgment, I want someone to understand me, but no one wants to understand the wrong perspective. Well, wrong is subjective but I feel as though this is wrong, what I feel is wrong, so it’s wrong haha.

I really feel fake. I feel like my life is not my own, no, it is, I am just fake. It’s weird like that, I don’t expect anyone to understand, I hope no one does, it is unbearable and I wish I could just be blank again, and live simply, I say that, but I am simple, my mind is simple in theory but I can’t grasp it. Everything people say, I wish they didn’t, these expectations are bad, not the people, but the words, I wish people didn’t believe in me as much as they did, they don’t maybe, again, maybe I am inflating my importance as bigger than it is, I don’t know. But  I still feel like I wish people didn’t like me at all. It’s easier when no one likes you… I think. In theory at least, I wouldn’t have to try so hard to impress, or to be fake. But maybe I am just complaining that I have to actually live and be substantial? It’s not clear, your input would be appreciated greatly. I keep saying I think, or something like that, and that’s true, I do think, I am thinking, I only come to these conclusions through thinking, everything, every standard I hold is because I think. What’s horrible is only horrible to me, sure, we all share concepts of what’s horrible but it’s not completely the same. Nothing is. What’s horrible, amazing, evil, good, sweet, sour, bitter, salty, it’s all our own perception, even if we do share some things in that perception, it’s ours and ours alone as individuals. I feel like I am too aware, but not at all as well. It’s all paradox, I think I am but I am also not. Frustrating isn’t it? My mind is a mess… Or it is not. See, it happened again.

Thank you kindly for reading– if you did, that is. But whatever. This is all just a way to vent at the end of the day. A little pressure off me, a little on you, it’s not fair, I know, I said as much, but we can only take so much I think. I think… See, again. I think. Haha.

At least for now, I am yours,

Seymour Paarl 

P.S. Solomon says hello, don’t take this as me trying to lighten the mood or joke with you, Solomon would really wish to say hello in any circumstance, he and I are very fond of you. We are the same, afterall.