But I’ll Never See That Light Again.
The ??? of ???, ??? - City of ???, ??? England
“You are not man, not of us. Damn us eternally should we vest you, pray on you, that you would go to heaven. Begone. That is kindness enough… Perhaps more than, for a pretender.”
Spoke the Bishop, whom I know– knew as Father Byford. Even as I close my eyes, the words present themselves like I have studied them time and again. Tormenting all that I am or wished to be. Those heartless words that I cannot help but mull obsessively over…
The drops come cold, much too cold, in taking stand out here, exposing myself to the world’s tears. Foreign enough that feeling is, so it drives conviction that truly I am left ungifted. Say it is not fault of I that His spirit abandons and instead my father’s, then worse should it be, my ignorance of who he is! Yet, it cannot be lost that my existence forbids all grace, for whether my intention to wound or otherwise, blood stays spilled. I sin taking all breaths, that alive, hell lives within me wanting only evil. Years, I say, time overlong to spend beneath the sacred roof, dedicated in the Lord’s name with His silvers draped round my neck. Was petition useless? Hours on that pew bowing my head deeply, believing truly that I was talking to Him… Does it resolve nothing!? Following the testament faithfully. Peering, in painstaking fashion, over each and every letter forming that Good Book, bellowing songs to our Virgin Lady from… Know it, dusk till dawn! Her lyrics leaving their divine scald upon my mind, or service to the altar bearing Heaven’s King, His Son, Their Ghost. With every conscious moment– Cross my heart– for Them. Now reduced to nothing. That I am no longer to come with the congregation, my only known family. Such that whether I am living or passed, they smother any heed. Like sword to heart, and I am certain mine remains, in knowing my family loves me no longer. I wish to scream to the firmaments, to be given answer, if this is but a test of faith or some other design from on high. Still, the dropping feeling tells me it is as it presents. That there is no method in this mad purgatory. My mind is in such an… Eldritch state.
In an instant, the silver cross laced from nape to chest begins to weigh excessively, like the moral soul inside me has just bade it’s farewell so the Lordly signs attack. Grasping it tightly in some attempt to bear the thing, a searing pain scores my hand to make me cry out in pain.
‘Gahhhh!’
Of course it burns! No hellspawn is allowed the bearing of a consecrated item. But then… This piece was mine to keep after I entered the devotee’s service. Could it be that– In knowing what I am, the God above has taken it as my acceptance to damnation? But why?! I readied to dedicate my life to His kingdom! Does He not see as such…? Or– Or does He choose to blind Himself when faced with it?! For ten and seven years all and everything promised was to end on and with Heaven. That the Almighty saw and heard all, such that faithful obedience at it’s whole would afford us paradise. Should a belief’s validity be dashed– Though wholeheartedly you served– If only owing to that, being none the wiser, belike that which comes from brimstone fires? Disturbing, the very pinnacle of it, one could become sick… I feel sick, or sorrowful…? Angry, even. And anger, I am ashamed to be sore, for after all, I know my being a hellion in God’s world lends all the forbidding subjected. Yet, none can assuage my madness, one enough to numb all pain! Everything, it takes all of it to avoid succumbing to that wrath. But I fail, and in a rage I seize the silver thing once neck-bound now clutched inside a fist, singeing my skin. The smoke bellows from it even as the rain upsets more and more. With a demonic screech throw down the necklace and begin to stomp at it, wanting to break it beneath my heel. One stomp, two, three, four, five, six! Until I lose footing and fall to my knees, face hidden by hand, screaming all the while… Soon I can no longer sustain a roar, but whimper and crash sideways, balling up such as a babe would.
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