Just a Nowhere Man - A writing project

 Just a Nowhere Man

Concept for the character Makoto ‘Mack’ Kuro-Kyser.

Preface before we get started. This is a kind of memoir and kind of concept for a character named Makoto Kuro-Kyser, or Mack. It talks about his life and his regrets. It's probably cringy as fuck, but whatevs :P

I honestly just randomly thought up this idea and then immediately decided to throw caution to the wind and begin typing away, trying to build from that random basic idea. 

And now, I come to you with this. A small memoir by Mack.

Oh and this character is bound to change as I flesh him out on my own. Hell, the character might not even be anything like what is written here at some point in the future.

「And we begin」

Dear Reader,

Never been much of a popular guy and I was always fine with that. In keeping to myself, I never thought my life would go so south. I was born in Taiyo, though I don’t remember much of what it’s like there, my parents moved out to Greater Chester in Crowsea when I was only two. My parents, at least from what I remember, were great, my dad, Fion Kyser was a scientist, working for the Federalists. My mom, Shiori Kuro was the same. 

It’s been a long time since I saw their faces, I barely remember them. I sometimes wonder what life could’ve been if I had just left that girl alone… Oh yeah, the girl. She was born in a tube, designated Maverick Unit K-1 V.3, or what I liked to call her, Kaede. She escaped her lab, later we found it was owned by the Federalists, and I found her lying in a creek. I couldn’t leave her there. Who could? Besides, I was just a stupid 9 year old.

Yeah well, one thing led to another and I ended up becoming friends with Kaede. She became my friend from the forest, and we played here and there, making our own fun, talking about stupid things, and being kids. She always insisted I kept her existence a secret, that she didn’t want to be found, hell, she tried to drive me away after I first woke her. We got along well, so well that I was ready to risk anything to help her.

And that time of risk came soon enough. It became a choice between my parents and her, either she was going back to the tubes, or I was an accomplice to an escaped lab project. I had to pick my parents, but I never wanted to pick in the first place. I begged and cried for them to let her go, nothing came of it, of course.

But I just couldn’t leave it alone. No, no, no. I had to play hero. My biggest mistake, I really shouldn’t resent this, but I can’t help it. My life only became worse for what I decided. To make a long story… Extremely short, I ended up pulling a fast one on my parents, convincing them to let me take a lab assistant job–I was 12 at this time–then proceeded to work towards helping Kaede.

Something had to give and when it finally did, we (Me and Kaede) were properly on the run. We got up to antics that we shouldn’t have, and… And, well, it… It culminated in the death of my parents. In retrospect, someone had to take the fall for my meddling… And naturally it had to be them. They sacrificed themselves. They had some change of heart, something like wanting me to follow my heart, I don’t know. I’ll never know.

All I do know is that I and Kaede were able to flee. And from there–And forgive me, I’m going to be shortening this, I don’t have much time–we traveled the world, helping people, making friends, hiding from the Feds, making enemies, fighting these enemies… I can’t deny, I adored the life I carved out.

But I was always missing something. A hole in my heart that could never be fixed. My parents, and in tandem, my entire life. I had spent the latter half of my young life running around on Kaede’s beck and call. And truthfully that wasn’t a problem until recently… You see–and bear with me–I fell in love with her. 

A real pathetic time in my life, I truly idolized her, I found sacred the ground she walked on, I found fortunate that I was able to stand by her side, well, more like in her shadow. I confessed at some point, I wasn’t hoping for much, and unsurprisingly I was rejected, but I never held that against her and I still don’t. She was a girl who knew what she wanted, and it wasn’t me, it was something higher concept. Something a normal person wouldn’t get.

Anyway, I decided to take it like many things in my life. Accept it and move on, no use on dwelling on it, I have a wonderful life, friends in all corners of Quartzhold, and a never ending journey that brought me new sights and senses. I was content and happy to just get my feelings off my chest, I mean it. But, I still wanted to be closer with someone, I didn’t want to be alone, so I took my time to search for the one.

And then I found her, I was 17, my teen brain was all over the place, and I was so happy, painfully happy to find a girl. Her name was Juno. She wasn’t keen on adventuring so I made a point to visit her as often as possible in between travels. It was, the happiest I’d ever been, maybe the happiest I’ll ever have been. Because, well it couldn’t last.

She wanted to get serious, I did too even from the beginning. But well, again, she didn’t want to travel, and I was pressured to KEEP on traveling, (At this point we were a sizable company of mercs, tight knit, and well-traveled.) and, foolishly, I couldn’t turn down my found family, for one girl… Oh, I really should have. Of course, we broke it up. I was broken up, and though I tried to apply my old friend, ‘accept and move on’, I couldn’t move on.

Especially after our final argument. She told me something along the lines of. ‘What’s your plan in the end? You can’t do this forever. You have no true home, no roots, you speak to me of longing for a true and intimate connection yet you live a nomads life, never connected to anything. How can we work if you don’t want to truly commit?’ She was right.

Too right. Those words never left me. I realized that I’ve spent the better part of 9 years in service to someone who never asked me what I wanted. I was 18 at that point, and I was afraid that I had no future. That for as much as I longed for a true connection, one that can only be shared between blood relatives or lovers, I never had the will to pursue one as long as I was in Kaede’s company.

In the end I was never a person, not truly, just a warm body to follow orders. I never lived my own life, I was simply living Kaede’s life. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am, or what I can do, I never knew, and I’m afraid I’ll never know. I’m disillusioned, I’m sick, it’s selfish, but I can’t help it anymore, This was building from the moment I left home, my life, and my parents to the current hour I write this.

I’m 18, I’m never going to get those 9 years back, and I’m only going to get older. Soon, I’ll be 20, then 30, then 40, then 50, then 60. And I’m afraid. Deathly afraid. Who am I? Who am I?! What have I been living for!? What!? It’s painful, my head hurts, my eyes sting, I’m sick. I’m sick. I’m sick.

It all feels so hopeless. Even now, even a whole year away from those who I considered my found family… Should I have stayed? Should I have just stayed content to be living someone else's dream? I don’t know, I’m truly alone now, though, and it feels horrible, but it’s the consequences of my actions, and I intend to face them, even if I can’t help but lament and express the emptiness and self-hatred that consumes me.

I’ll just have to be resilient. I’ll just have to be strong. It will get better. I know it will. It must. I’m still young. I still have a chance. I do. I do…

Arcis have mercy.