People Problems and Writing Troubles.

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Life is complicated, writing too... I only have one question... Why?

Writing a book is such a... Lonely? Anxious? Frustrating?  Scary? All of those things at once endeavour?

For a couple of months I've been writing a story... A kind of test for myself to see if I can manage completing one. And let me just say, damn man, it's an inward struggle. I am  constantly battling myself to figure out what the hell is good enough and what's a bad decision.

I don't have much friends... Shocker I know. But that makes getting feedback hard as hell. And I am aware that it's not their job to help me, and I have the internet to turn to, but I'll just say that it's much less embarrassing to get help from people you know. This is sounding more and more stupid as it goes on but just bare with me.

I would say that being afraid of strangers is normal. Especially when you're as socially awkward as I am. And I'll admit it, I'd rather bury myself in games, shows, books, movies, and comics than talk to other people. So yes, this is my fault entirely. For a long time I held the belief that I didn't need friends. (Edgy af) That all I needed was a computer a never-ending pile of books and comics, a tv, and I'll never complain a day in my life.

Of course that was wrong. As I grew older I found the value in friends and others. I also found the complexity in those things. Fiction and fictional media, as it turns out, is not good for learning people and how to deal with them. And I'll also say that I'm easily overwhelmed, I'm very indecisive, and I fall back to procrastination when I'm under a lot of pressure. I simply don't have a good work ethic.

And here's the deal. I have a lot of time left to fix it and help myself. So don't go worrying about me too much. I am still a young'in and you know what they say. Being aware of the problem is the first step. And believe you me I have been battling with myself to fix these problems one step (if I can manage it) at a time.

But I digress... Back to writing talk, I started around August of 2022, which comes to about 8-9 months in and bruh... Giving up has crossed my mind plenty. But I am serious about completing this... Even if it takes a decade or two. And I'll say the writer's block and burn out has hit hard right now haha, I've completed the first versions of the prologue and first chapter at super speed, at least I believe so (Go me!) and they come up to 13,361 words. Which is a lot I'd say... But you can be the judge.

Starting chapter has been hell for me. I've been trying to make progress as much as possible, but I can only seem to manage a few sentences at a time... Which isn't a problem... I hope. Either way, I've found that consuming more media is kind of helpful? It's been giving some ideas... But most of those ideas have been put on the back burner for other projects.

And let me elaborate on that. Other projects. So, another useful thing to me is writing something else for a bit until I get that spark to work on the first and primary project. It's been kind of slow going this time since, again, I feel pretty burnt out, and as much as I hate to say it... I'm taking a breather, a break if you will. And I hate it because I do genuinely want to write, I love writing. But, forcing myself when I also am obviously burnt out is... A recipe for disaster.

So yeah. This post has no direction. It honestly was just to dump my thoughts... But then again, welcome to Zeer's Soliloquy... A collection of the musings of a nerd. You get what you sign up for y'know. -Z

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